My car sits partly dismantled in Kevin’s shop. A truck’s rear end will do that to you, no matter how lightly you bump it. Well, that is, if you are a tiny red car made of aluminum foil, or whatever they make cars of these days. The day it happened I was left late for clinicals, with a citation from an officer, and leggings since my breakfast to go responded to impact by spilling all over my white pants. All this before 6:30 am. Hm. . . I am like the military baby, I get more done (in this case, undone) before nine o’clock than most people get done all day!
I was surprised at my unusual calm and collected self, that managed to put the incident behind her and still go do surgery all day without falling apart. I knew then as I know now that God had given me what I needed to make it through that day: a ride to the hospital, a pep talk from my best friend, and composure to deal with and still learn from a short fused tech. But that was not all, He had made me who I needed to be for that moment, I tend to hold on to mistakes, and replay them in my head with guilty hands. Not so this time. He enabled me to face the facts, feel the frustrations, ask the questions and at the end of it all, hand it over. He is changing me, like that wreck changed my car.
Later that week, reading through the gospel of Luke where Jesus says: “Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces” I was brought back to the wreck. And while I know he was talking to the men who rejected and opposed him, and who by so doing were only injuring themselves, the passage reminded me of what is is like to actually accept him. Falling on him as I am breaks me to pieces and hurts because there is so much of me that does not live true life. There is so much dead wood still connected through bloodless veins to me. I am still walking on feet of clay.
And so running into him now will, in the true sense of the word, be an impact that breaks me, leaves me changed. . shattered, but not beyond repair. He breaks off all that dead wood and shows me true life. How truly it’s said that: “To be alive is to be broken, and to be broken is to stand in need of grace.” So I stand here as he wrecks me into wholeness and realize, I really am alive.